This shall be my title from now on for posts that have no real validity to anything and are just mere musings of my mind.
This past weekend I went to Columbia for the weekend for the 4th. It was a grand time. It was truly a successful venture for I finally got the pair of "plaid, but not manly plaid" shorts I have been searching for for literally two years. Yes I was quite excited...and they were $10 at Delia's. I pretty much jumped up and down, ask Rosie and Bethany.
The weeked also met me with firsts. I had my first seeing of Ben since school got out. Awkward is a great way to explain it. We didn't speak. He didn't try, I didn't either. Of course my presence did sort of blind side him. Yet, somehow I blame him for being weird. I attribute this to me having reached out numerous times and being met by a closed door. I figured/figure it is his turn to talk first. I experienced a wide range of emotion in the hour I spent with him within 25 feet of me. Anger, Sadness, Jealousy, "eh"ness, Complete and utter discomfort, that okay emotion that I really have no word for, Contentment in the decisions that have been made, and longing for him to just recognize that we were in the same place and not total strangers.
I guess that is where I should say the hardest part of this whole thing has been that I lost my best friend in the break up. I lost the one I thought would always be there. Yet, I am reminded that in having him I lost myself, and in losing him (i say losing him because i don't really know what else to call it in short terms and without having to explain a lot) I found myself.
I have come to realize in the past 3 months that I really did lose who I was while dating him. I look forward to my next relationship with the knowledge of who I am and what I will and will not put up with. I lost that for some reason with Ben. I don't blame him, I blame myself. It shows me that I was not where I should be in a lot of areas. It is in those areas that I have grown now. It's been an amazing journey to find myself again. My friends, my family, my community, my "heatherness". I lost it for around 6ish months. I became someone I'm not and I would like to apologize to all those who happened upon me during that time. I hope that I can rectify the damage that was done. You may not even know any was done, but the person you knew from Octoberish-Aprilish was not who I am. I began being far too consumed in myself and in my relationship with one man rather than the relationships around me and the one with my Creator. I became clingy to Ben, and though he doesn't read this most likely, I do apologize to him for that. See I wasn't just not myself with others, I wasn't myself with him either. Do I think that was what caused our ultimate demise? Absolutely not, however, I know it didn't help, for he became someone else too and I know how that felt.
The thing I know now is that all that is in the past. All that was a season of growth and discovery. I am not who I was then and I am so ready to start life rolling again. God will bring the man to me that He has picked out and we will live purposefully for HIM and HIS GLORY and our life together will be more than either of us imagined in the past. That excites me. Life excites me. To know who I am now and what I want is a great feeling. I have loved getting to know my friends again, and my friends in general. I am so happy that I have had them. They stood with me in my decisions and through my "weird Heather" time. For that I am more than grateful.
One for Andy...
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I was on my computer at 10:21 a.m. checking my facebook and a good friend
chimed in. He said to me "thanks for the encouragement in your status".
Being sl...
15 years ago
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